Feeling Anxiety About All-of-a-Sudden Homeschooling? 
Some Tips from Mothers Who Have Been There

pencil on an open spiral notebook

Over the years, for various reasons related to our children’s disabilities and unique needs, we have homeschooled our children. In all of our cases it was sudden and unplanned because their schools failed to meet the emotional, physical, and educational needs related to their health and wellbeing.

This is all to say, we know what it is like to have to suddenly take on homeschooling while juggling work, caring for other children, family members and ourselves.

So here is our advice. Take a deep breath and focus on the essentials. Quite frankly, that will probably mean re-framing what you have considered essential about schooling – it was for us.

Prioritize Wellbeing: Be flexible, Be kind, Be Forgiving. We have come to understand that no one can learn unless they are well. We are all stressed right now, and that includes our children. If you find yourself getting into power struggles over finishing algebra homework, doing handouts, etc., stop and reevaluate (and do this as often as needed). Sit down with your child and together make educational goals and discuss the ways that are best for both of you to meet those goals. Even small children have insight into what works for them and can listen to what works best for us if we take the time to ask, listen and share. Children need to understand that we have the same stresses, fears, and anxieties that they have and need a model for how to handle those emotions. It is important to normalize that we all make mistakes, we all need help and that we are all working to improve how we are in the world. In this moment in particular, we need to model how to cooperatively and collaboratively live and work together, which means being able to change plans, try different things, and start over when needed.

Be Creative: Be willing to try different approaches, whether it is the time of day, working in short bursts or something else. Maybe it is moving to a certain part of the house. Don’t get caught up on replicating school. This is your chance to take advantage of what you can do differently (and better) to meet the unique needs of your child. For instance, does your child learn better when they are moving? Then let them move. There is no rule that learning only happens in chairs. For younger children, make games of learning. Here are a few examples that worked for us:

  • Toss a ball back and forth, have your child dance, or run loops around house while reciting a poem, doing spelling words, multiplication, etc.
  • Learn a new knock-knock joke together each week. Have your child learn to “recite” it, write it and / or read it. (They can call Grandma to share the fun!)
  • Read along with audible books and music lyrics. Have kids write their own recipes, songs, and poems. This is a perfect time to share your experiences and family stories with your child.

Allow everyone to have fun!

Take This as an Opportunity for Closeness and Bonding: For those of you working at home, to the extent possible, this is an opportunity to show your kids the work you do. This is like Take Your Child to Work Day – Home Version. This may work better for older kids, but keep in mind that all children like to feel involved in our lives. Who knows, you might find you have in-home tech support. Don’t try to replicate your work experience. Remain creative and flexible. This is a learning opportunity for all of us. You will be delighted and amazed at what your children are learning and you have a front row seat!

All and all, be humble in this experience. The point is that the best thing you can teach your child right now is how to work with others to be creative problem solvers. Ask, “Together, how will we best learn this material during this pandemic while thriving as a family?” Your kids are wise and funny and fun. You don’t need to figure out the answers all by yourself. Together, you got this!

Angela, Dionne and Tammy
Mothers on the Frontline

Five Ways to Fill Your Cup

 

In thinking about National Family Caregiver Month, I was reminded of a previous Mothers on the Frontline podcast episode in the Just Ask Mom series, called “Filling up your Cup”. In it Alissa explained the phrase, “my cup runneth over” in a way I needed to hear as a caregiver. “What runneth over is for me to give you, what is in my cup is for me.” She continued: “I have to do my best to keep my own cup full or I’ve got nothing to offer – to my children, to others, to advocacy, to change – I got to do my best to keep myself whole and intact as well, or it does no one any good.” This idea is at the very heart of our work at Mothers on the Frontline, not because we live it, but because we aspire to.

Sometimes when loving and caring for someone with mental illness, it feels like there are holes at the bottom of our cup. During the holiday season, when we are barraged with images of happy families and tranquil moments of joy, those holes can feel vast. There are the practical challenges that use up our ‘juice’: finding care and services, navigating health and school systems not set up to help children like ours. There is the loneliness and isolation that stigma and discrimination places on the child, caregivers, and siblings – more spilled juice. But perhaps the most draining are the cruel comments that come from our child when they are ill and the cruel comments that come from others about our child or family who do not understand what is going on. It can leave us feeling pretty empty, and this emptiness can feel magnified during the “season of giving”.

So what are we to do? In this age when “self-care” has become a marketing slogan for spa packages and beauty products, what does it really mean to care for and love oneself, especially when one’s life is structured around caring for a person with a serious mental health condition? What “self-care” is really available to all of us, no matter our financial situation or the current level of crisis we navigate. In this podcast episode, Alissa mentions five things we can all do:

  1. Take a deep breath. Breathe out all that you are holding in. Breathe in life and self-love.
  2. Know “this too shall pass”. Whatever crisis is presenting, it is temporary. I would add that so too are good days -and so here is permission to fully enjoy those good days when they come. They are not times to merely catch up and get things done in preparation for the next crisis. We get overwhelmed by an imagined future laid out in front of us, but the moment at hand is manageable. Stay there and keep breathing.
  3. Physical exercise. If you are like me, this can be a real challenge. Try to find something doable and enjoyable for you. Whether it is light stretching, a walk outside, etc. Find something that is realistic for you and that feels good. This is not about looking good or fitting into that certain pair of jeans. This is about feeling good in and loving your own body – supporting it so it can support you.
  4. Taking care of your own mental health needs. We live in community with our families and those under our care. We affect and are affected by each other. There has been significant research into how a mother’s depression or anxiety can affect her child. Recently, researchers are finally starting to ask how a child’s mental health condition can affect their mother’s health. (See this article.) If you can benefit from therapy, medication, support groups, etc., give that gift to yourself. It does not matter whether your mental health needs predate your care giving or were brought about from stresses and traumas associated with care giving: you deserve the support you need to be well.
  5. “I am on the list too.” In our long to-do lists as caregivers, Alissa reminds us that we are on the list too. This means being intentional about filling our cup. I would like to add that how we do so will depend on our situation and we need to be flexible as our situation changes. But that does NOT mean taking ourselves off the list. Ask, “what can I do for me in this situation?” For me right now it is waking up 30 minutes earlier so I can journal and drink a cup of coffee while it is still hot before my boys wake up. (Seriously, as a mom, drinking a warm drink while it is still hot is a big deal!) This simple thing is not possible in those situations when my son does not sleep due to mania. Then I have to find something else – maybe it is using respite services for an hour so I can drink a hot cup of tea undisturbed at a coffee shop or with a friend.  For years while we were on a waiting list for services, there was no respite – then I might have used the brief moments when I took my shower to breathe deeply and intentionally – that might have been all that was available to me. But it was still something that made a difference. All too often, when the situation changed making my previous self-care impossible, I just dropped it, taking myself off the list completely and it always results in an empty cup. This November, let each of us commit to filling our cup, in whatever ways we can, so that it runneth over, nourishing ourselves, our families and our communities.

And if there is a caregiver in your life, in this season of giving, there is no greater gift than helping another fill their cup. Whether it is being present with them in their pain, sending a kind note, or doing what you can to provide them a few minutes to drink their cup while it is still warm, magically that small act (which does not cost a dime) can fill their cup to overflowing.

Listen to Alissa’s full interview on the Mothers on the Frontline Podcast: Just Ask Mom Series, episode 7.

 

 

MOTFL Episode 32: Punitive Frameworks Part I: Conversation Between Friends Series #4

logo: purple lotus flower with white figure inside holding arms up on black background

In this episode we discuss the policy frameworks and philosophical assumptions underneath current punitive systems including policing and schools. (We will continue this discussion next week and look at some promising new frameworks that are currently emerging that could move us beyond a paradigm of coercion and compliance.)

Terminology:

IEP – Individualized Education Plan – the document that determines the accommodations and supports for a particular student in special education.

Ontology – theory of being, framework of what entities exist or how to categorize what exists.

MOTFL Episode 31: Allyship: Moving from Performativity to Authenticity: Conversation Between Friends Series #3

logo: purple lotus flower with white figure inside holding arms up on black background

In this episode we discuss:

  • what it means to be an ally
  • the difference between performative and authentic allyship
  • how allyship differs from friendship and being a coalition partner
  • stigma jumping vs intersectional activism and advocacy

Terms:

Allyship – An active, consistent, and arduous practice of unlearning and re-evaluating, in which a person in a position of privilege and power seeks to operate in solidarity with a marginalized group and works to ensure equality, opportunity and inclusion for everyone. (Thank you to Sonya, Sophie, Gigi and Lilah – students in Dionne Bensonsmith’s “Introduction to Feminism, Gender, and Sexuality” Class in the Fall 2019 at Scripps College – for this definition.)

Intersectionality – A framework for understanding the interconnected nature of social categorizations such as race, class, and gender as they apply to a given individual or group, creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage. (This term was coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw in 1989.)

Stigma-Jumping – Avoiding association with potential allies or coalition partners to avoid their stigma being attached to your cause, organization or person. Stigma jumping is a barrier to intersectional activism and advocacy and therefore neglects the most vulnerable. (This term was coined by Tammy Nyden in 2017.)

Resources:

Allyship (Definitions):

Rochester Racial Justice Toolkit “What is Allyship?”

Michelle Kim “Allyship (& Accomplice): The What, the Why, and the How

Seventeen Magazine “What is Performative Allyship?

Teaching Tolerance “Ally or Accomplice: The Language of Activism

On Privilege and Power

University of San Francisco, Gleeson Library “White Privilege Resource Guide

How to be an Ally (start here and by all means, do not stop):

The Anti-Oppression Network “Allyship

Amélie Lamont “Guide to Allyship

Jamie Utt  “So You Call Yourself an Ally: 10 Things All ‘Allies’ Need to Know

Chris Scot Cole “3 Things Not To Do When Someone Discloses Their Invisible Disability

MOTFL Episode 30: “Defunding the Police” Conversations Between Friends #2

a child's drawing a person experienceing panick, with arms waving and distraught face

In this episode we have a conversation about defunding the police:

  • what it means, what it doesn’t mean, and how the phrase raises different emotions in people depending on their personal experiences with the police and racism.
  • How decades of consistent and pervasive defunding of community programming, healthcare, and education has harmed communities. We focus on the effects for children with disabilities.
  • School Resource officers and police brutality in the schools that specifically targets black and brown children and children with disabilities.
  • How policy runs on narratives, not statistics. We discuss and challenge narratives about “bad neighborhoods” and “bad children” that are steeped in anti-black racism, anti-indigeneity, and ableism and have fueled bad policy for decades.

For more information about this topic:

Defunding the police:

Democracy NOW!:  “Defund the Police: Linda Sarsour & Mychal Denzel Smith on What Meaningful Change Would Look Like

USA Today “What does ‘defund the police’ mean and why some say ‘reform’ is not enough

Black Lives Matter

Los Angeles Times “Eliminate school police, L.A. teachers union leaders say

Reading Towward Abolition: A Reading List on Policing, Rebellion, and the Criminalization of Blackness by the Abusable Past.

Resources for teaching and talking about racism:

EdJustice: “Black Lives Matter at School – Resources

Watson, Dyan, Jesse Hagopian, and Wayne Au. Teaching for Black Lives. , 2018. Print.

The Black Lives Matter Syllabus

The School to Prison Pipeline:

Bullies in Blue: The Problem with School Policing [infographic] by the ACLU

Cops and No Counselors: How the Lack of School Mental Health is Harming Students by the ACLU

** The image above was drawn by Akim, a 10 year African American boy expressing his feelings in this current moment of police brutality, racism, and Covid-19.

MOTFL Episode 29: “White Lady Tears” Conversations Between Friends Series #1

In this episode, the founders of Mothers on the Frontline discuss grief, racial privilege, policing, and the performativity of emotion.

Families and communities are grieving right now. We are grieving the deaths of over 100,000 Americans to Covid-19, which has disproportionately affected Black and Brown communities. We are grieving ongoing and countless losses of African-American Women, Men, and non-binary folk, children to elders, to institutional racism, particularly by the very structures that should be protecting them, including the police. Many parents are grieving the loss of the veneer of safety they once felt for themselves and their black and brown children in the community and in their very homes.

Many white allies see the collective grief in the Black community and the pain in the eyes of their Black friends. They want to be helpful, but often fail to recognize their own emotional privilege. We examine how the centering and privileging of white emotion can result in dysfunctional empathy, as well as the weaponization of white lady tears.  

Today’s conversation challenges us to think about how the expression of emotion is learned and responded to very differently between White and Black women and how white emotional privilege in turn affects social narratives, resulting in particular interactions between children, police, and schools which are detrimental to children’s mental health.

If you are interested in learning more about some of the topics mentioned in this podcast we suggest the following:

For information on addressing racism and racist thinking in your personal relationships: Seed the Way “Interrupting Bias: Calling In vs. Calling Out”

A good guide on ACEs and Toxic Stress: Harvard University: Center on the Developing Child “ACEs and Toxic Stress: Frequently Asked Questions”

Mentioned in the Podcast:
DiAngelo, Robin J., White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk about Racism. United States, Beacon Press, 2018.
 
National Domestic Workers Alliance

Kate, A Mother From Iowa

Dirt road in Iowa going off into distance wtth green grasses and trees.

Kate is a mother from Iowa whose children have autism, anxiety, ADHD, sensory processing disorder and prosopagnosia. In this episode, she discusses what it was like when her son was first diagnosed, adjusting each year to new teachers, and what it is like to go through the ups and downs of parenting children who are ‘differently wired’.

Transcription

[music]

Welcome to the Mothers on the Frontline Podcast, episode 28. Mothers on the Frontline is a nonprofit organization, founded and run by mothers of children with mental illness to promote caregiver healing and children’s mental health justice through storytelling. Our vision is a world in which mental health is destigmatized, respected, and prioritized as an integral part of the overall health of individuals, families, and communities. In this episode, we hear from Kate, a mother from Iowa whose children have autism, anxiety, ADHD, sensory processing disorder and prosopagnosia.

Tammy: So hello, tell us a little bit about yourself before or outside of mothering, who are you, what do you love, what do you love to do?

Kate: I love yoga. I’m a very fanatic yogi and what has happened with my son has really put me in touch with yoga and with mindfulness so I really like to do that. I like to walk, I like to do gardening and I just, overall, I’m a very positive person, and I like to just have fun.

Tammy: Well that’s wonderful, it’s wonderful. So I want you to pretend you’re talking to parents. What do you want them to know about your experiences? What can you share that may be helpful for them to know?

Kate: So in 2014, my son was officially diagnosed with ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder ODD and anxiety, and we have been going through a struggle which started actually with him in preschool. Where we had seen some of the signs but we weren’t quite sure. He also has allergies, and because of that, he had to be on steroids sometimes. So it was very hard to figure out what is normal two to three-year-old behavior, what is induced by being on steroids and what is behavior that is cause for concern. And at that time too when I would be talking to my parents-in-law, often they would say like, well, you know your husband was just the same when he was little. But then after a while, we were really starting to struggle. It was hard for us sometimes to enjoy weekends. Where you’re looking forward to Monday because it’s so draining, emotionally draining to be around your little guy. And there comes a huge guilt complex with that because you feel like it’s your fault, you’re not doing something right. And after a while, my husband and I, we were just like, we need help. And at the time he was in daycare which also had a preschool tied to it. They were very open to working with us, so we, they said like, we’ll have somebody from Grant Wood AEA come in, evaluate, and then we’ll just see what happens. We did that. There was some cause for concern and then we also, on our own reached out to psychologist and start working with her. And then in 2014, by the year before he went to kindergarten, he got officially diagnosed. So which was for us, a lot of things sort of all the puzzle pieces start to come together. And we were just relieved in a way. But then, on the other hand, it’s like there’s a huge learning curve. Because now it’s like, I know what it is, but what do I need to know? So…

Tammy: Right. So, for parents who are out there who are starting their journey, they haven’t had the diagnosis yet or ones that have just got it. Like what could you talk about in terms of barriers that you have faced that had been hard for you to get your child the help he needs?

Kate: Personally for myself, I think I was the biggest barrier because sometimes you’re in denial and you think like oh it’s just the age. It will be okay. This will, well, will resolve itself down the line but it’s not. So it just, once you come to that realization and also give yourself a break. I think sometimes as parents, we all try to do a really good job but we’re only humans too but we’re really hard on ourselves. And a lot with mental illness diagnosis, there’s a lot of shame I think sometimes connected to it as well.

Tammy: Absolutely.

Kate: So people or parents it holds them back at that shame but it’s okay to ask for help.

Tammy: Absolutely.

Kate: And I think that sometimes that was a barrier for myself. Like I’m always being very independent. I’m a go-getter. I just get things done myself. But there was a point that I reached that I was like I don’t want to live like this. This is not normal. If I’m doing something wrong I need help and I need somebody to let me know, how I need to adjust my parenting style because I want to enjoy the time I spent together with my little guy.

Tammy: You brought up several things that are really important. I mean one is it’s really confusing and you don’t get to have a control. You have a kid, you don’t get to have a scientific control and say okay what really is causing this. Let’s change some variables. No, and especially for those of us who, it’s our only or first child. It can even be, we don’t know what normal is and it’s such a wide range. So it’s hard to know if this is neurotypical development or it’s something we should pay attention to. Is it just quirky or is it something that’s problematic that they need help with. So that’s just hard to know. You also brought up another element which is the shame, right? And so asking for help and the third thing is if your child, there’s something going on, we often have to adapt. So it isn’t that our parenting is wrong, its our parenting is wrong for the child with this neurology.

Katie: Exactly.

Tammy: So there’s no one right way to parent. It depends on the child’s needs. I love that you brought up all that. I just wanted to go back. Oh, yes, I think that’s a really important for us trying to go through it. It gets all mingled up. So I love that. 

Kate: And then there was what I had to like I was going by how I was raised by my mom and dad, and I think they did a superb job, but I was a very easy kid. I will always, I listened, I didn’t fuss a lot and I was also raised and I think a lot of people of our generation are raised like that. If mom and dad ask you something, you do it and that was the hardest for me. Like why is my kid not listening to me? And because of his ODD diagnosis, he’s not as much defiant towards the dad but it’s more towards me. Which is weird too because they always say like they will be less defiant to the authoritative person in the relationship but that’s actually me [laughs] who’s the one that [inaudible]. He’s like yeah if go to mommy and asked her that, I’m not going to get away with that. I’ll just go to dad. [laughs]

Tammy: [laughs] You know but that’s another thing. Just like all kids and all human beings they are different with different people and it can be really, it can hurt our feelings. Like it can be really hard when we’re the ones seeing the symptoms, right? And so that can be really hard and often it could be because we’re the parent they feel safe with or the person they feel safe with in terms of they know they’re not going to not love me if I act up. As opposed to like a stranger, a teacher or something like that. They might hold it in more or something. Yeah. No. It’s really hard. So, same thing. Thinking about parents out there, what has worked really well in getting help for your child? What had been some successes or things you’re like, thank goodness that that happened or is available or–?

Kate: The number one thing for me was first, I had to change myself before I was able to help my son. I had to let go of control. I had to let go of worrying and that goes often with control because you want to know, oh, what’s going to happen then? Well, how is this journey going to be? Is it always going to be like this? And after a while, I just let go of all of that. I’d lived day by day. I take one day at a time. If we sometimes have a bad day, I always say, tomorrow is another day and we start with a clean slate. And I tell my son that as well. For myself too, I let go of emotions because I had such an emotional kid, and he still is but we’ve really worked hard with him on helping gauge his emotions better or that he’s just more aware of them and then he will be able to stop himself. And I think sometimes maturity helps with it as well. But at the time when we were struggling, I would always get like asking put your shoes on. It was like World War III. And it’s the battle you engage and you get worked up and you get upset and you start yelling, which I hate to do or you hear yourself the whole time just saying no, no, you can’t do this because he’s like all over the place. That for me was just letting go of that control and just being aware of that. Like I’m not going to go invest my emotions in that. I’m going to be very patient. I’m just going to take a step back and stay calm. And that has really helped like it’s not always successful.

Tammy: It’s not easy. 

Kate: Sometimes I have to dig really, really, really deep or I’m thinking like, oh, I really want to do this or this and this right now but no, I don’t look good in orange so I’m not going to do that. But then again, that helps me just sometimes to get through it because the sense of humor. Just being aware of like this is a very tough situation and I’m just trying to do my best. And sometimes I can’t do that and I walk away. And I give myself that break then I’m just like I can’t handle this. I just walk away and it’s okay. 

Tammy: It’s not only okay it’s great modeling for your son. 

Kate: I try to. Yeah.

Tammy: And it’s really important for you and me and all mothers and caregivers. It’s wonderful that you’re doing that. But it’s hard. 

Kate: It is hard. It is extremely hard and sometimes you feel like I am on top of the world, I got this down, I like my new parenting style, I become calmer, more patient, I don’t let my emotions get a hold of me that much anymore and other days you’re just like oh, I suck at this. 

Tammy: Right now, it sounds like you’re talking about when it was really rough, but even when things are going well, we recognize, they change from moment to moment and so we like to ask right now, do you feel like you’re swimming, drowning, treading water, where are you at right now?

Kate: I feel like I’m swimming but I also know due to his ADHD and his ODD, especially at the beginning of the school year can be quite challenging. He knows the principal, he knows his special ed. teacher but it’s always like he has a new teacher. So he tries to kind of figure out like what can I get away with and this is where the behavioral issues like the defiance will come in. He doesn’t want to do his math which he’s really good at but he has a love-hate relationship with it. And he’s just trying to testing the waters so I know maybe by next week, the week after that, we’re going to hit that wall where they’re going to say well, he did this today and he did that today and then after a while, by October, November, he’ll be like, no, the teacher, she sticks to her guns. I can’t manipulate her. I’ll just comply. I’ll just do my math. I’m good but I always am aware of that. Like last year, we hit a wall again to where his medication that he was on for his anxiety was not working anymore. So we really saw, because he was older, so we had to switch medications.

Tammy: Which happens a lot when kids are developing. 

Kate: Yes, exactly because the current dose like what he was on was no longer working and we just saw certain behaviors reappear again that we were like, oh, we thought we were done with this. But then we were aware of that and then we informed the school about it. We said we’re going to go to the psychiatrist. We’re going to explain this and probably we’ll switch medications, which happened but then most of his medications, it takes about at least four to six weeks so we communicate that to the school. Then it was like “hang in there, we know it’s rough. We’re with you because what you’re experiencing in school, we’re experiencing at home,” but then the medication started to work and he’s been doing great. So I know down the line, we will always hit rough patches but I’m aware of that. It’s almost like an expectation that I know like, yeah, we’ll go there.

Tammy: Let’s talk about that a minute because I think that’s really important. It seems to me a common thing, I know in my own experience when I talk to other mothers and other caregivers. The first time is devastating, when you first have symptoms erupt and then things happen  – maybe a therapy, maybe a medication, things seem to do a little better and then things happen again and that seems to me the most devastating because you first thought we’ve knocked this like we have this imagination–

Kate: We got this down.

Tammy: — we solved it.

Kate: Yeah. We solved it. [laughs]

Tammy: Like it’s cured. No. And so but then there’s a kind of confidence that comes with going through a few cycles knowing you can do this. You got it. It’s hard but you got through in the past. You’ll get through again. Take it a day at a time. That’s how you do it so I think that’s a really important thing for people to hear who are just having the first time or what I think is even harder is that second time things start to get rough. To know it will ebb and flow and you’re okay, you’re gonna be okay. 

Kate: Yeah. Exactly. And it was how you described it. That’s exactly how it is because I think even if you get a diagnosis in a way you have the expectations. You’re like I know it’s really rough right now but later on, they will be okay and all of this is just magically going to go away. No, it’s not. It’s just going to be a day they become older. A lot of again, maturity helps a lot with some of the disabilities that my son has  – but my husband actually got diagnosed a year afterwards because he said, well, I’ve been having a lot of these struggles that I see in our little guy now. And a lot of the behaviors I was like that when I was little. So I think I’m going to get myself tested as well. So he has ADHD as well but it was a good thing. It was kind of knowing like and for him especially, going on medication, that helps so much.

Tammy: And this is another common thing. It happens for a lot of parents because there’s a lot of genetic passing down many of these conditions and our generation and generations before us didn’t have the knowledge and the outreach on this issues so I know many people who are getting diagnosed after their kids are do. It can help everybody so much. So that’s really wonderful that happened.

Kate: For us, it’s been a real, a real positive like you go through that, you sat on that journey and then you were like a lot of things and especially for my husband, a lot of things started to make sense in his world as well then. And then some of it was a little bit grief knowing that I remember when he went the first day on his medication, by noon, he said like I’ll never forget it. “Wow, is this what it feels like to be normal?” And then the second thing that he said was, ”I wish I would have had this medication when I was in college.” And that to me just showed how much of a struggle it can be and that explains also the stigma that is still on mental disabilities because often people, they will look at a person, they’re like, well, I don’t see anything wrong with them.

Tammy: Invisible disabilities are tough. 

Kate: It’s really tough and then there’s the behavioral issues and then kids start to act out but then if you don’t understand the disability like people are well, why are they doing this wrong? It’s okay. It’s normal because I always say, there’s a lady that actually wrote a book this year which I’m a big fan of and I would strongly recommend to parents, especially to moms to read it. It’s Differently Wired: Raising An Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. It’s by Deborah Reber. And she calls her kid ‘differently wired’.

Tammy: I like that.

Kate: And I call my kid ‘differently wired’ too or an ‘atypical kid’. It’s like they’re just a little bit differently wired. Their brains make a little bit, there’s different connections in there but overall, they’re still good kids. They’re fun kids. Because I think sometimes there are so much attention is being given to their negative behaviors and these kids so much need to positive reinforcement. They need it so much more than your regular wired kid. 

Tammy: Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think that’s true and also sometimes, the differently wired comes with benefits that we don’t talk about enough too. I think that’s one the things as well. So we’ve been talking a lot about your journey with your child but what is your self-care routine or if more appropriate ‘survival technique’? I know you mentioned yoga and mindfulness which are so key I’m sure. So do you want to talk a little bit more about that? How does that help you or are there things you do to sort of take care of you?

Kate: Sometimes it’s easier than other times. I feel sometimes when things are going really good, you’re very motivated to go to yoga class and being mindful, but I know there’s one year more like in the survival awareness or survival mode. It’s like I’m tired. I don’t want to go do this. No, I don’t feel happy right now. I don’t want to go to a yoga class  – but for me, if I’m aware of it and I can have that conversation with myself then I push myself to yes, you got to leave everything right now because you talking to yourself or having this little mind games going on, that means you need to get your butt to yoga and go relax for an hour and then usually, by the end of that class, I’m like, oh, I so needed this. [laughs]

Tammy: I’m me again. [laughs]

Kate: And for me also, I have great friends. They understand. They’re part of my gang. They don’t judge and sometimes when I’m struggling because at sometimes you don’t want to necessarily talk to your husband because their going through the same thing. You’re talking about it but you always need that perspective. You always need to talk to other people that have gone through the same experiences or understand and that really helps like when I’m sometimes struggling and I’m like, oh, what am I doing wrong? Or not just that. You just hit a rough spot again. I just I’m like okay, we’re going to have breakfast. Get together with my friends and then after a two-hour talk, I’m like, I got this. 

Tammy: That’s a really good point because as you said it changes and I know with my own sisterhood of friends, right? We’ve been lucky that we’re not all crashing at the exact same moment somehow. I don’t know how that works out. It’s only happened once where we’re all like oh, no, what do we do? We’re all drowning right now but so you’re right. Because if you’re talking to someone like a spouse, a partner, even a mother or father, if they’re helping you take care of your children, if they’re involved with it and they’re going through the same thing at the same moment, they’re going through it too. So having that outside group that understands is so helpful to have that support and I think that’s right. So we like to end with this question. And we feel like anyone raising kids, this has nothing to do with neurotypical or not. There are some funny things those kids have done or that have happened in our lives that make us smile. So we like to ask, what is your most laughable moment when you think about your experience with your son? Anything that makes you smile or–?

Kate: He just makes me, he’s got a great sense of humor. I’m always so surprised because sometimes you get so much negative feedback what goes on in school and the school he goes to, they’re really great about also they celebrate the good things and we tell them to please don’t only you tell us when things are going wrong. We need to hear it when he is doing great because at school, they make a big deal about it and we make a big deal about it at home too. And usually, it’s a sense of humor. He will say this, I can’t quite recall thing but he’s just funny. There’s one thing, yeah. When he was little, I have a friend and she’s called Mary and she would come and babysit him at times just when we wanted to go get a break or, and she was very understanding. She was unjudging or anything and he knew how to handle him. And then one time, I was like yeah, Mary is coming a later on and he’s like Mary? He’s like, my Mary? And I’m like, yeah, and he looked at me very seriously and he’s like well, you need to get your own Mary. 

Tammy: [laughs] I love it.

Kate: And I’m like, okay. 

Tammy: No sharing Mary. [laughs]

Kate: No. 

Tammy: That’s great. Well, I really want to thank you for taking the time to talk to us and share your story and really appreciate hearing about it and how you and your family are doing. So thank you.

Kate: Thank you for giving me the opportunity. 

Tammy: Thanks. 

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Thank you for listening to the Mothers on the Frontline Podcast, copyrighted in 2019. Today’s podcast host was Tammy Nyden. The music is “Olde English”, written and performed by Flame Emoji. For more podcasts related to children’s mental health go to MothersOnTheFrontline.com or subscribe to Mothers on the Frontline on ITunes, Android, Google Play, Stitcher, and Spotify. If you would like to support our work, please make a tax-deductible donation on our website – again, it is MothersOnTheFrontline.com – that is one word – MothersOnTheFrontline.

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Definitions of terms or acronyms used in this interview:

AEA – Area Education Agency – A regional education service agency created by Iowa Code to provide education services to public school districts and nonpublic schools within the AEA’s geographic boundaries. They provide many services, including special educations support.

Book recommendation in this interview:

It’s Differently Wired: Raising An Exceptional Child in a Conventional World.  by Deborah Reber.

Every Child Deserves a Miss Honey

As a child one of my favorite books was Roald Dahl’s Matilda.  Having dyscalculia, I related to how Matilda was often misunderstood and looked at as “odd” by her family and classmates.  Like Matilda my mind would also wander, I imagined myself on grand adventures, solving problems, being a hero to my friends and defending myself against class bullies. 

In second grade I took my first standardized test. I remember flying through the reading comprehension and writing sections on the first day but once we got to the math portion on the second day, I hit a wall, I was not able to complete the test past the second page.  When we got the results, the discrepancy between reading/comprehension and math reasoning was so large that they made me retake the test three times, and three times I produced the same result.  Not knowing what to do with me, I was placed in the back of the class – with reading material and given worksheets for math so that I could “follow along with the class at my own pace.” Without remediation for math the worksheets made no sense, but I quickly learned that my teachers (grades 2-4) would not bother me if I read quietly.  I didn’t want to do math and when anyone – teacher or my mom – tried to force me to do math problems, I would become angry and resistive. This behavior garnered me the reputation of being oppositional and lazy.

It was not until the 5th grade that I met my Miss Honey.  As accidental luck would have it the fifth-grade class for Indianapolis School #43 was exceptionally small, so small in fact that the school decided to combine 4/5th and 5/6th grade classes.  For a child with undiagnosed dyscalculia this could have been the beginning of the end (children with learning disabilities are three times more likely to drop out of school than those without learning disabilities).  Luckily for me I had a teacher who, for the first time in my elementary school years, saw me.  Mrs. S  noticed that, although I did not and could not perform basic math tasks such as simple addition, fractions, and telling time, I WAS reading books of all varieties, science, non-fictions, history, and lots of them.  In the two years between testing and entering 5th grade my reading and comprehension skills had only increased. It was not uncommon for me to raid my mother’s bookshelf and I frequently asked her to check adult books from the library so that I could read.  Like Matilda’s Miss Honey, my 5th grade teacher began talking to me during break times, we often had lunch together where we would talk, I also stayed after to school with her where she would tutor me – quietly and painfully in math. When she noticed that I could complete some math tasks if I used my fingers to count (which was forbidden for 5th graders) she devised a “safe” way for me to count using my fingers and the shapes of the numbers.  (Safe in that the math teacher would not see me counting with my fingers and give me an “F”.) She gave me extra time for test and arranged for me to take my standardized test in the library un-timed instead of with my classmates.  When the school wanted to move me to a separate behavioral school because I was falling behind and acting out, Mrs. S called my mother and helped her to complete the appropriate steps so that I could attend RTI (Response to Intervention) classes twice a week for math but remain at my home school. This was 1982 a full 8 years before the Americans with Disabilities Act came into effect, so there was no 504 or IEP, there were no guidelines for teaching and accommodating children with learning disabilities. To this day I have no idea how they managed, but Mrs. S– with the help of my mother – managed to come up with a set of accommodations that would see me through middle school, high school and college. Like Miss Honey from Matilida, my Miss Honey became my biggest champion at school, my best interpreter, and my most important guide.  She helped me understand my disability and then helped me find ways to incorporate that knowledge so that I could better navigate through school and through life. It helped me navigate through graduate school, to a Ph.D. and to my current job as a professor. Every child deserves a Miss Honey and we at Mothers on the Frontline would like to give a heartfelt “thank you” to all the Miss Honey’s working to improve the experience of our children at school.

Raising a child with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety

logo: purple lotus flower with white figure inside holding arms up on black background

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Welcome to Mothers on the Frontline Podcast. Today, as part of our Just Ask Mom Series,we listen to a Mom of a 9 year old diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety in 2014.

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Tammy: Tell us a little bit about yourself before or outside of mothering, who are you, what do you love, what do you love to do?

Mom: I love yoga. I’m a very fanatic yogi and what has happened with my son has really put me in touch with yoga and with mindfulness so I really like to do that. I like to walk, I like to do gardening and I just overall, am a very positive person, and I like to just have fun.

Tammy: Well that’s wonderful, it’s wonderful. So I want you to pretend you’re talking to parents. What do you want them to know about your experiences? What can you share that may be helpful for them to know?

Mom: So in 2014, my son was officially diagnosed with ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder ODD and anxiety, and we have been going through a struggle which started actually with him in preschool. Where we had seen some of the signs but we weren’t quite sure.He also has allergies, and because of that, he had to be on steroids sometimes.So it was very hard to figure out what is normal to 3-year-old behavior, what is induced by being on steroids and what is behavior that is cause for concern.And at that time too when I would be talking to my parents-in-law, often they would say like, well, you know your husband was just the same when he was little. But then after a while, we were really starting to struggle. It was hard for us sometimes to enjoy weekends. Where you’re looking forward to Monday because it’s so draining, emotionally draining to be around your little guy.And there comes a huge guilt complex with that because you feel like it’s your fault, you’re not doing something right. And after a while, my husband and I,we were just like, we need help. And at the time he was in daycare which also had a preschool tied to it. They were very open to working with us, so we, theysaid like, we’ll have somebody from the AEA [Area Education Agency] come in, evaluate, and then we’ll just see what happens. We did that. There was some cause for concern and then we also, on our own reached out to psychologist and start working with her. And then in 2014, by the year before he went to kindergarten, he got officially diagnosed. So which was for us, a lot of things sort of all the puzzle pieces start to come together. And we were just relieved in a way. But then, on the other hand, it’s like there’s a huge learning curve. Because now it’s like, I know what it is, but what do I need to know? So…

Tammy: Right. So, for parents who are out there who are starting their journey, they haven’t had the diagnosis yet or ones that have just got it. Like what could you talk about in terms of barriers that you have faced that had been hard for you to get your child the help he needs?

Mom: Personally for myself, I think I was the biggest barrier because sometimes you’re in denial and you think like oh it’s just the age. It will be okay. This will, well, will resolve itself down the line but it’s not. So it just, once you come to that realization and also give yourself a break. I think sometimes as parents,we all try to do a really good job but we’re only humans too but we’re really hard on ourselves. And a lot with mental illness diagnosis, there’s a lot of shame I think sometimes connected to it as well.

Tammy: Absolutely.

Mom:So people or parents it holds them back at that shame but it’s okay to ask for help.

Tammy: Absolutely.

Mom: And I think that sometimes that was a barrier for myself. Like I’m always being very independent. I’m a go-getter. I just get things done myself. But there was a point that I reach that I was like I don’t want to live like this. This is not normal. If I’m doing something wrong I need help and I need somebody to let me know, how I need to adjust my parenting style because I want to enjoy the time I spent together with my little guy.

Tammy: You brought up several things that are really important. I mean one is it’s really confusing and you don’t get to have a control. You have a kid, you don’t get to have a scientific control and say okay what really is causing this. Let’s change some variables.No, and especially for those of us who, it’s our only or first child. It can even be, we don’t know what normal is and it’s such a wide range. So it’s hard to know if this is neurotypical development or it’s something we should pay attention to. Is it just quirky or is it something that’s problematic that they need help with. So that’s just hard to know. You also brought up another element which is the shame, right? And so asking for help and the third thing is if your child, there’s something going on, we often have to adapt. So it isn’t that our parenting is wrong, it’s our parenting is wrong for the child with this neurology.

Mom: Exactly.

Tammy: So there’s no one right way to parent. It depends on the child’s needs. I love that you brought up all that. I just wanted to go back over that because I think that’s a really important for us trying to go through it. It gets all mingled up. So I love that. 

Mom: And that was what I had too. I was going by how I was raised by my mom and dad, and I think they did a superb job, but I was a very easy kid. I will always, I listened, I didn’t fuss a lot and I was also raised and I think a lot of people of our generation are raised like that. If mom and dad ask you something, you do it and that was the hardest for me. Like why is my kid not listening to me? And because of his ODD diagnosis, he’s not as much defiant towards the dad but it’s more towards me.Which is weird too because they always say like they will be less defiant to the authoritative person in the relationship but that’s actually me [laughs] who’s the one that [inaudible]. He’s like yeah if go to mommy and asked her that, I’m not going to get away with that. I’ll just go to dad. [laughs]

Tammy: [laughs] You know but that’s another thing. Just like all kids and all human beings they are different with different people and it can be really, it can hurt our feelings.Like it can be really hard when we’re the ones seeing the symptoms, right? And so that can be really hard and often it could be because we’re the parent they feel safe with or the person they feel safe with in terms of they know they’re not going to not love me if I act up. As opposed to like a stranger, a teacher or something like that. They might hold it in more or something. Yeah. No. It’s really hard. So, same thing. Thinking about parents out there, what has worked really well in getting help for your child? What had been some successes or things you’re like, thank goodness that that happened or is available or–?

Mom: The number one thing for me was first, I had to change myself before I was able to help my son. I had to let goof control. I had to let go of worrying and that goes often with control because you want to know, oh, what’s going to happen then? Well, how is this journey going to be? Is it always going to be like this? And after a while, I just let go of all of that. I’d lived day by day. I take one day at a time. If we sometimes have a bad day, I always say, tomorrow is another day and we start with a clean slate. And I tell my son that as well. For myself too, I let go of emotions because I had such an emotional kid, and he still is but we’ve really worked hard with him on helping gauge his emotions better or that he’s just more aware of them and then he will be able to stop himself. And I think sometimes maturity helps with it as well. But at the time when we were struggling, I would always get like asking put your shoes on. It was like World War III. And it’s the battle you engage and you get worked up and you get upset and you start yelling which I hate to do or you hear yourself the whole time just saying no, no, you can’t do this because he’s like all over the place.That for me was just letting go of that control and just being aware of that.Like I’m not going to go invest my emotions in that. I’m going to be very patient. I’m just going to take a step back and stay calm. And that has really helped like it’s not always successful.

Tammy: It’s not easy. 

Mom: Sometimes I have to dig really,really, really deep or I’m thinking like, oh, I really want to do this or this and this right now but no, I don’t look good in orange so I’m not going to do that. But then again, that helps me just sometimes to get through it because the sense of humor. Just being aware of like this is a very tough situation and I’m just trying to do my best. And sometimes I can’t do that and I walk away.And I give myself that break then I’m just like I can’t handle this. I just walk away and it’s okay. 

Tammy: It’s not only okay it’s great modeling for your son. 

Mom: I try to. Yeah.

Tammy: And it’s really important for you and me and all mothers and caregivers. It’s wonderful that you’re doing that. But it’s hard. 

Mom: It is hard. It is extremely hard and sometimes you feel like I am on top of the world, I got this down, I like my new parenting style, I become calmer, more patient, I don’t let my emotions get a hold of me that much anymore and other days you’re just like oh,I suck at this. 

Tammy: Right now, it sounds like you’re talking about when it was really rough, but even when things are going well, we recognize, they change from moment to moment and so we like to ask right now, do you feel like you’re swimming, drowning, treading water, where are you at right now?

Mom: I feel like I’m swimming but I also know due to his ADHD and his ODD, especially at the beginning of the school year can be quite challenging. He knows the principal, he knows his special ed teacher but it’s always like he has a new teacher. So he tries to kind of figure out like what can I get away with and this is where the behavioral issues like the defiance will come in. He doesn’t want to do his math which he’s really good at but he has a love-hate relationship with it. And he’s just trying to testing the waters so I know maybe by next week, the week after that, we’re going to hit that wall where they’re going to say well, he did this today and he did that today and then after a while, by October,November, he’ll be like, no, the teacher, she sticks to her guns. I can’t manipulate her. I’ll just comply. I’ll just do my math. I’m good but I always am aware of that. Like last year, we hit a wall again to where his medication that he was on for his anxiety was not working anymore. So we really saw, because he was older, so we had to switch medications.

Tammy: Which happens a lot when kids are developing. 

Mom: Yes, exactly because the current dose like what he was on was no longer working and we just saw certain behaviors reappear again that we were like, oh, we thought we were done with this. But then we were aware of that and then we informed the school about it.We said we’re going to go to the psychiatrist. We’re going to explain this and probably we’ll switch medications which happened but then most of his medications, it takes about at least four to six weeks so we communicate that to the school. That was like hang in there. We know it’s rough. We’re with you because what you’re experiencing in school, we’re experiencing at home but then the medication started to work and he’s been doing great. So I know down the line, we will always hit rough patches but I’m aware of that. It’s almost like an expectation that I know like, yeah, we’ll go there.

Tammy: Let’s talk about that a minute because I think that’s really important. It seems to me a common thing, I know in my own experience when I talk to other mothers and other caregivers. The first time is devastating when you first have symptoms and then things happen maybe a therapy, maybe a medication, things seem to do a little better and then things happen again and that seems to me the most devastating because you first thought we’ve knocked this like we have this imagination–

Mom: We got this down.

Tammy: — we solved it.

Mom: Yeah. We solved it. [laughs]

Tammy: Like it’s cured. No. And so but then there’s a kind of confidence that comes with going through a few cycles knowing you can do this. You got it. It’s hard but you got through in the past. You’ll get through again. Take it a day at a time. That’s how you doit so I think that’s a really important thing for people to hear who are just having the first time or what I think is even harder is that second time things start to get rough. To know it will ebb and flow and you’re okay, you’re gonna be okay. 

Mom: Yeah. Exactly. And it was how you described it. That’s exactly how it is because I think even if you get a diagnosis in a way you have the expectations. You’re like I know it’s really rough right now but later on, they will be okay and all of this is just magically going to go away. No, it’s not. It’s just going to be a day they become older. A lot of again, maturity helps a lot with some of the disabilities that my son has but my husband actually got diagnosed a year afterwards because he said, well, I’ve been having a lot of these struggles that I seen in our little guy. And a lot of the behaviors I was like that when I was little. So I think I’m going to get myself tested as well. So he has ADHD as well but it was a good thing. It was kind of knowing like and for him especially, going on medication, that helps so much.

Tammy: And this is another common thing. It happens for a lot of parents because there’s a lot of genetic passing down many of this conditions and our generation and generations before us didn’t have the knowledge and the outreach on these issues so I know many people who are getting diagnosed after their kids are doing it. It can help everybody so much. So that’s really wonderful that happened.

Mom: For us, it’s been a real, areal positive like you go through that, you sat on that journey and then you were like a lot of things and especially for my husband, a lot of things started to make sense in his world as well then. And then some of it was a little bit grief knowing that I remember when he went the first day on his medication, by noon, he said like I’ll never forget it. Wow, is this what it feels like to be normal? And then the second thing that he said was, I wish I would have had this medication when I was in college. And that to me just showed how much of a struggle it can be and that explains also the stigma that is still on mental disabilities because often people, they will look at a person, they’re like, well, I don’t see anything wrong with them.

Tammy: Invisible disabilities are tough. 

Mom: It’s really tough and then there’s the behavioral issues and then kids start to act out but then if you don’t understand the disability like people are well, why are they doing this wrong? It’s okay. It’s normal because I always say, there’s a lady that actually wrote a book this year which I’m a big fan of and I would strongly recommend to parents, especially to moms to read it. It’s Differently Wired:Raising An Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. It’s by Deborah Reber. And she calls her kid differently wired.

Tammy: I like that.

Mom: And I call my kid differently wired too or an atypical kid. It’s like they’re just a little bit differently wired. Their brains make a little bit, there’s different connections in there but overall, they’re still good kids. They’re fun kids. Because I think sometimes there are so much attention is being given to their negative behaviors and these kids so much need to positive reinforcement. They needed so much more than your regular wired kid. 

 Tammy: Absolutely. Absolutely. And Ithink that’s true and also sometimes, the differently wired comes with benefits that we don’t talk about enough too. I think that’s one the things as well. Sowe’ve been talking a lot about your journey with your child but what is yourself-care routine or more appropriate survival technique? I know you mentioned yoga and mindfulness which are so key I’m sure. So do you want to talk a little bit more about that? How does that help you or are there things you do to sort of take care of you?

 Mom: Sometimes it’s easier thanother times. I feel sometimes when things are going really good, you’re very motivated to go to yoga class and being mindful but I notice when there is survival awareness or survival mode. It’s like I’m tired. I don’t want to go do this.No, I don’t feel happy right now. I don’t want to go to a yoga class but for me, if I’m aware of it and I can have that conversation with myself then I push myself to yes, you got to leave everything right now because you talking to yourself or having this little mind games going on, that means you need to get your butt to yoga and go relax for an hour and then usually, by the end of that class, I’m like, oh, I so needed this. [laughs]

Tammy: I’m me again. [laughs]

 Mom: And for me also, I have greatfriends. They understand. They’re part of my gang. They don’t judge and sometimes when I’m struggling because at sometimes you don’t want to necessarily talk to your husband because you’re going through the same thing.You’re talking about it but you always need that perspective. You always need to talk to other people that have gone through the same experiences or understands and that really helps like when I’m sometimes struggling and I’m like, oh, what am I doing wrong? Or not just that. You just hit a rough spot again. I just I’m like okay, we’re going to have breakfast. Get together with my friends and then after a two-hour talk, I’m like, I got this. 

Tammy: That’s a really good point because as you said it changes and I know with my own sisterhood of friends,right? We’ve been lucky that we’re not all crashing at the exact same moment somehow. I don’t know how that works out. It’s only happened once where we’re all like oh, no, what do we do? We’re all drowning right now but so you’re right. Because if you’re talking to someone like a spouse, a partner, even a mother or father, if they’re helping you take care of your children, if they’re involved with it and they’re going through the same thing at the same moment,they’re going through it too. So having that outside group that understands is so helpful to have that support and I think that’s right. So we like to end with this question. And we feel like anyone raising kids, this has nothing to do with neurotypical or not. There are some funny things those kids have done or that have happened in our lives that make us smile. So we like to ask, what is your most laughable moment when you think about your experience with your son? Anything that makes you smile or–?

Mom: He just makes me, he’s got a great sense of humor. I’m always so surprised because sometimes you get so much negative feedback what goes on in school and the school he goes to, they’re really great about also they celebrate the good things and we tell them to please don’t only you tell us when things are going wrong. We need to hear it when he is doing great because at school, they make a big deal about it and we make a big deal about it at home too. And usually, it’s a sense of humor. He will say this, I can’t quite recall thing but he’s just funny. There’s one thing, yeah. When he was little, I have a friend and she’s called Mary and she would come and babysit him at times just when we wanted to go get a break or,and she was very understanding. She was unjudging or anything and he knew howto handle him. And then one time, I was like yeah, Mary is coming a later on and he’s like Mary? He’s like, my Mary? And I’m like, yeah, and he looked at me very seriously and he’s like well, you need to get your own Mary. 

Tammy:

[laughs]

I love it.

Mom: And I’m like, okay. 

Tammy: No sharing Mary. [laughs]

Mom: No. 

Tammy: That’s great. Well, I really want to thank you for taking the time to talk to us and share your story and really appreciate hearing about it and how you and your family are doing. So thank you.

Mom: Thank you for giving me the opportunity. 

Tammy: Thanks. 

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You have been listening to the  “Just Ask Mom” series, part of the Mothers on the Frontline Podcast, copyrighted in 2018.Today’s podcast host was Tammy Nyden. The music is “Olde English”, written,performed, and recorded by FlameEmoji. For more podcasts in this and other series relating to children’s mental health, go to MothersOnTheFrontline.com or subscribe to “Mothers on the Frontline” on ITunes, Android, Google Play,Sticher, and Spotify. Mothers on the Frontline is a non-profit 501 (c)(3)organization that uses storytelling for caregiver healing and children’s mental health advocacy. We strive to reduce stigma, educate the public, and influence positive policy change through our podcast series and storytelling workshops.We are currently working with Grinnell College to document and archive stories of lived experience with the school to prison pipeline, an issue importantly connected to children’s mental health and wellbeing. If you would like to support our work, please visit our website and make a tax deductible donation at mothersonthefrontline.com.

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Mothers on the Frontline supports the Keeping All Students Safe Act

The Keeping All Students Safe Act (Senate Bill 3626 and House of Representatives Bill 7124) was referred to committees on November 14, 2018. It prohibits the use of seclusion and prevents and limits the use of physical restraint in schools. As Representative Don Beyer notes in this press release, “No child should be afraid for their safety when they go to school. All too often students are subjected to abusive discipline techniques, which disproportionately affects minority and students with disabilities. A majority of states have already instituted bans on seclusion and inappropriate restraint in the classroom, and it is time we do so nationwide.” This legislation promotes the prevention of problematic behaviors through the use of evidence-based de-escalation techniques, interventions, and supports and in doing so, ensures the safety of all students and teachers.
Please join us in thanking Senator Chris Murphy and Representative Don Beyer for introducing these bills into Congress and contact your legislators to express your support. You can find the contact information for your Representative in the House here and your senator here.  Please contact each member of the committees now considering these bills. You can find the members and their contact information here:

Senate: Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions
House: Education and Workforce and Armed Services committees.

Share your stories about how you or your child has been affected by these practices. Together we can make this the year that our country finally address this human rights issue, bringing us one step closer to dismantling the school-to-prison pipeline, a key part of securing Mental Health Justice for all children.