Miss Diva on Raising a Child with Schizoaffective Disorder, Just Ask Mom Podcast Series, episode 16

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In this episode, we listen to Miss Diva from the USA. She speaks about raising a son with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, and Seizures in the African-American Community. Please be advised that this interview contains content about domestic abuse and may be upsetting for some audience members.

Transcription

Women’s Voice: Welcome to the “Just Ask Mom” podcast. Where mothers share their experiences of raising children with mental illnesses. Just Ask Mom is a Mothers on the Frontline production. Today we will listen to Ms. Diva from the USA. Please be advised that this interview contains some content about domestic abuse and may be upsetting for some audience members. This interview was recorded at the 2017 National Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health Conference in Orlando Florida. During this particular recording, you can hear noise in the background from another event in the hotel. Please don’t let these noises distract you from Ms. Diva’s story.

Dionne: I’m sitting here with you and I wanna say thank you very very much…

Miss Diva: You’re welcome.

Dionne: …for agreeing to be a part of our podcast. Can you please introduce yourself?

Diva: My name is Diva and I am called Diva because I have been through so much in my forty-four years on this earth until I feel like there is nothing anybody can do or say to break me anymore. And I feel like you can try but I’m always gonna  come out victorious because the Diva is always going to hustle – get it done for her and her children no matter what. If she has a man or she don’t have a man, she don’t need a man to make it happen. And that’s me.

Dionne: Thank you. Well, tell me Ms. Diva, tell us a little bit about who you are and who you were, what are your passions? Who are you outside of and in addition to being a momma.

Diva: Oh my gosh! First of all, I honestly didn’t wanna become a mom. I was scared that I wasn’t gonna be able to give my children the love that they needed like they were supposed to have. Because when I was a kid I felt like I wasn’t loved passionately enough as a child suppose have been loved by their parent and encouraged enough because my parents didn’t give me that encouragement. They gave my younger sisters that encouragement but as for me, they didn’t do that. But when I had my children I was like, “Wow!”. When I had my first child I was like. “Ohh,hhuuhh!”, you know, like “Oh, No!”. And then had my second child after I am married. And then my third and my fourth. And then I was like, “Oh no, I’m a mom!”. So I was like, “Okay, I gotta step my game up since I’m about ten thousand times more than what they did.”. So my goal was to always let my kids know that: “I love you and there is nothing that you cannot do. I will never stand on the way of your creativity. The word ‘can’t’ and ‘I won’t’ will no longer be in existence for you all.” My kids used to think I was mean because I used to give them books to read. So, they was like, “This is a punishment”. No, it’s not though my kids one of the–it wasn’t. I have been through domestic violence, my kids have seen that. Still legally married to the man. He tried to kill me and my kids. So we are still standing the risk. That’s why I say I’m that diva because I refuse to allow you to dominate my life because if I let you dominate my life, it’s like you still have your hand in my life. “Oh no!”, because I’m going to do what I need to do. I have four children: 24, 18, 16 and 14. I have an 18 year old. He has a bipolar schizoaffective disorder and the alphabet. And once–you know what I mean when I say the alphabet.

Dionne: Yes. The alphabet soup of diagnosis, yes.

Diva: And sometimes he has his good days, sometimes he has his bad days. And it’s like, “Whoa, wait! Hold up!”, and sometimes he wants to listen to me, sometimes he don’t. But he’s at the conference with me. He’s doing good. When we walk past to come here, he was sitting in a class listening paying attention. So it’s like, that was a first.

Dionne: He stopped by our table several times ’cause he likes the candy. [laughter]

Diva: Yes [laughter] Oh it’s like you’re trick or treating huh? [laughter]

Dionne: [laughter] We talked a couple of times.

Diva: Yes, So he’s a friendly young man…

Dionne: Yes he is.

Diva: …but the thing is, I found out he was–he had these diagnosis when he was six. So, being of African-American descent, in our culture we do not talk about mental illness. It’s like the big elephant in the room and if you do something about it, “Oh no, just whoop ’em!”. Whippings do not cure everything. Then it’s the next one–oh I’m going to pray it out, Oh no, pray that God gives me the strength to endure what I’m about to go through. Pray that God gives him a stable mind or me  – so I won’t go crazy and hurt this child. Because there’s a lot of times when they say things that they don’t mean and you feel like it’s directed at you and they’re just taking out their anger. Because when they do it you like, “Oh, did you just lose your mind!” and you be wanna ready to–you be ready to like, “Oh, you know what, it’s battling time. You ‘bout to go in the corner and the fight. Put your gloves on”. So, and I tell my parents all the time, “If God didn’t want them to have the doctors here to help us, he would never had put them in place.”. He will not put the psychiatrist, the therapists, made these people that have the medicines so we can help them. And all the other people, all the little people, like these conferences, to help give us the knowledge of what we can do with – outside of–when everybody else has gone home asleep, what coping skills you can use to help your child, son or daughter, go into–when they enter that poppin’ off mode. So my son–’cause I have two sons. One has ADHD-PTSD and he has suffered from seizures. Then my older son, he’s the one that has the main ones but my younger son, he’s introvert but he’s a smarty. And he just don’t wanna go yet and it’s like I tell my kids, I gave them with the analogy when they were young. I’m the head of the household so I’m the head. My oldest daughter is my right hand. And my son that’s 18, he’s my left hand and my 16-year-old, he’s my right leg and my 14-year-old is my left leg. I say, so if anything happens to one of you guys, my limbs are obsolete to me. So I said I need every last one of you guys to do what you gotta do because if you get hurt, get killed, something happens, my limbs would no longer work the same.

Dionne: Alright, that’s a beautiful analogy.

Diva: And they’d look at me like, “What?”. I said, “come here”. So my son just said, “What?”. I pinched him, he said, “Ouch!”. I said, “That’s how I feel” If something happens to you –  and your my left arm. So if you’re gone, my pain is there. And until you come back in one piece, whole, my pain goes away. And he was like, “Oh, got it!”. I was like, “Thank you.”

Dionne: That’s a wonderful analogy of just how–I don’t think our kids realize how much they are literally, a part of us.

Diva: Yes. yes. And I feel like–I used to tell my son when he was younger when he needed help when he was in school I said, “Baby, look at it this way. I need for you to get your slinky–look at the slinky in your mind. When you had the slinky here at both hand level, you’re fine. Once that slinky starts sliding down, you feel like you need help, you get that help.” I said, “Once that slinky fall all the way down, you’re out of control, you can’t get that help no more.” I said, “Once you get it started moving up and down, you can get the help.” I said, “But once it falls and go all the way across the room, there is no coming back from that. He was like, “Okay, ma.”. So a couple of days ago he said to me, ” Ma, I’m trying to be that slinky.’ And I have the strangest look on my face like, “Okay babe”.

Dionne: He heard you.

Diva: But this analogy was given to him when he was six, seven years old.

Dionne: I know. He heard you. He heard it. That’s awesome.

Diva: And it’s like it’s still there.

Dionne: Yeah!

Diva: And he was like, “Mom, I’m still that slinky.” And I’m like, “Okay love. When you need that help, you tell me.”

Dionne: Yeah

Diva: Because if he hear voices, he tells me.

Dionne: That’s great.

Diva: He’s like, “Ma, they’re talking.” And I’m like, “Okay babe,” because I’m one of those parents, I listen. Because when I was a kid, it was be seen and not heard.

Dionne: I see.

Diva: And I was raised up in the church and, people ask me, “Why don’t you go to church anymore?” Because the people that raised me, I feel like they’re the biggest hypocrites there is. Because you tell me to do as you do, do as you say but not as you do.

Dionne: Right.

Diva: But then the whole entire time, you’ve been lying to me. You’ve been hiding stuff. You’ve been sneaking around! What do you want me to do? How do you want me to take this and God said, “Do not do this,” and you did it! So you want me to feel this way? So, I tell my mom, we were talking about something and I said, “Ma,” and she was just, I had to you know, “Ma!” She was like, “What?” I was like, “Look. For everything that you come at me in the Bible with, we’re going to come back with you on this one right here!” She just said,” Lord.” Yes! So she said, “What?” I said, “The Bible tells you, children obey your parents and the Lord.” And then it comes again, children obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right that that days may be long upon the Earth.” I said, “This is what the scripture your parents hate!” Should parents, “Provoke not your children to wrath!” I said, “Woman, what are you doing to me?” And she said, “Uh, shut up and get off my phone.” I said, “No, you’re provoking me to wrath! I mean, you’re provoking me!” I said, “So, you are not listening to what the Bible say.” I said, “I told you, you that scripture!”

Dionne: So does that translate ever with your kids? What I’m hearing you talk about is, the way in which you want to raise your children differently than the way you were raised.

Diva: Because I have. Like I have a 24-year old. At 20, I had her. She has gone to nursing school, no kids.

Dionne: Go on.

Diva: They told her she was going to be a dropout. She’s going to have a house full of kids and I told them, “Hold up. Don’t put that into my child’s life. We don’t speak that in someone’s child’s life.” Because I always told my children, “Be the best at whatever you do. If you’re going to be the best bum, be the best bum you’re going to be,” and that’s how I’ve always been with my kids. I always told my kids, “Be the best you.”

Dionne: Good.

Diva: Be the best whatever it is you’re going to be. Be the best whomever you’re going to be. Don’t let anybody stop you. Don’t let anybody tell you how far you can dream. Don’t let nobody get in your way. I said, “If you feel like I’m getting in your way, be like Mom, I need you to move!” “I will get out your way!” I said, “But I’m here. I am going to forever be your cheerleader until God takes me away.” Because I tell my kids, “I’m going to push you for the better. I’m not going to push you down. If I see you slip, I’m going to help you pick you up.”

Dionne: So with that in mind, what would you say has been the greatest challenge in you getting help or raising your children around their mental health diagnoses and their mental health challenges?

Diva: Getting the help from the community, knowing where to go in the community that offers the help where we live.

Dionne: Okay.

Diva: And when I found the FIA, it says what it is on the card.

Dionne: Okay.

Diva: I just don’t want to say it because it will say where I’m from.

Dionne: Yes, I see it.

Diva: But Miss Harrison, she’s awesome. She’s been God sent.

Dionne: Good.

Diva: Because like my son was put into a transition  – he got arrested. DHS did nothing. They didn’t even show up. So Miss Tammy was there with me. We went and his attorney said, “Miss Diva, the Judge say, he can go home. Would you take him home today?” “Sure will!” But I’m like, I’m not feeling like I can stay in jail –no.

Dionne: Yeah.

Diva: So, because I learned something when I was growing up, I’ve learned that you’re going to have 10 children. Each one of them have a different personality.

Dionne: That would be true.

Diva: Each one of them have something different to offer, like you have 10 fingers, not one finger look alike. Each nail on your finger, one might be longer than the other. One might does more than the other finger can do because each one of my kids give me a different strength. Like my 18-year old, he really pulled out of me that I can go above and beyond.

Dionne: How does he do that?

Diva: Because he lets me know, “Ma,” with his diagnosis, I go above and beyond to find out where I can go to get more help for him, what’s there for him, what options are there for him because normally, when I was coming up, mental health issues was never talked about.

Dionne: Yeah.

Diva: It was just like, “Get that rug and broom, sweep, sweep, gone.” You never talked about it. So, when I got my kid’s help after fleeing my abusive husband, it’s like me and my kids develop and play.

Dionne: I see.

Diva: My own sisters, biological sisters at that. One, she’s his godmother.” He asked her for a game. Why lie to a child?

Dionne: Like?

Diva: “I have to take care of some bills” “But I’m watching you on Facebook post live pictures going live, posting pictures of you and my other sister in the Bahamas. What? Did you just lie to this child?” And he called me the aunty – huh –  I haven’t talked to her honey.

Dionne: I see.

Diva: So, when you have to lie to your child about somebody else lying, I hate lying to my kids.

Dionne: Yeah.

Diva: That’s one thing me and my kids promised that we wouldn’t have to because I had not lied to my kids about anything that is important to them. Like that kind of lie, I fell like that’s not full lie.

Dionne: Right.

Diva: But it’s still a lie.

Dionne: But in terms of their diagnosis and treatment?

Diva: And then you have to realize, they are more sensitive than the other kids because the other kids can handle it. Their diagnosis, they can’t! Because they’ll be like, “What? They lied to me? They what?”

Dionne: Right.

Diva: They spaz out and go off, do a whole bunch of other stuff.

Dionne: Right.

Diva: It’s like, you would have to tread lightly with their diagnosis.

Dionne: So, what you say in addition to learning how to talk to your children, and you’re doing a wonderful job of —

Diva: Thank you.

Dionne: — just giving them and I mean, your son is one of few people that I met and so, of giving them this sense of confidence and something stable of love.

Diva:  I constantly tell my children, “I love you.” I constantly let them know, “I got your back.”

Dionne: Good.

Diva: I constantly say, “Hey, remember who’s here. She’s here. I need her. I’m here. Because like, right now I’m sick and my youngest is here with me and even though he has his moments, I don’t care what he is going through. You say something is wrong with his Momma, he snapped. “What? You what, what’s going on with my Momma?” He is going to find out what is wrong with his Momma and try to make his way back to his Momma because like one of his siblings was like, “Momma can’t get her shoes on. She is so swollen she can’t even move.”

Dionne: Right.

Diva: So he came upstairs and was like, “Momma, let me in.” I’m like, and I saw my youngest son. I was like, “Open the door for your brother.” So he came in the room and put my shoes on for me.”

Dionne: Oh.

Diva: So when I say my kids have my back just as much as I have theirs, when I think they don’t have my back and I feel like they don’t me pay attention, they do. They pay me a world of attention.

Dionne: That is wonderful!

Diva: And I feel like they don’t but they do.

Dionne: That’s good.

Diva:  Because like my 24 year old. Sometimes I feel like she don’t have my back, but she does.

Dionne: That’s Wonderful. And that’s so important.

Diva: Cause I had asked her, I said, “If anything happens to me,” – she was like, “Ma, you don’t even have to worry about it. Them three – I’m already on it – I already know I got to raise them.”

Dionne: Wow.

Diva: She said, “you ain’t got to write it down, I already know. What my job is. To make sure them three is good.” I said, “You got my back!” She was like, “Oh, no doubt,” she’d say, “you know  even though we argue and fuss, you are my only mama.” She’d say, “You’ve always been there.”

Dionne: Wow.

Diva: So, I’ve always made sure my kids – and always will make sure my kids –  know that I love them, even if I can’t talk – my kids know sign language, so we tell each other “I love you” in sign language. So we like, we go this way and touching your face. Because when he was in court I did this and touched my face  – and he was like …

I used to be a teacher. And when I did Scholastics, I wouldn’t send all of the Scholastics home with the kids. I’d be like oh, I can use this at home. So my kids know a little sign language. I am like, because I told them “it is good to know another language.” And they were like “Sign language? What?” I was like, “What is at the end of that word  – it’s ‘language’ – It is another language.”[laughter]

Dionne: So what is your self-care routine – how do you take care of you?

Diva: Oh, gee. [laughter] I love music. I love going to the gym when I’m not sick. I used to be a size 24, now I’m a size 18.

Dionne: Oh, wow.

Diva: And I started in the gym in January, so when I turn 44 in July, there was a dress that I was trying to get into  [snaps three times – laughter] “Nailed it!” [laughter] So, I have been out of the gym for a month because my Fibromyalgia’s been acting up – but oh she mean – will get back in the gym. But I do talk to – I do have my own therapist, my own shrink. I talk to her because if I don’t take care of me, I can’t take care of them.

Dionne: Exactly.

Diva: Because I learned that the hard way. Cause I had a therapist when we lived in the middle of the state. You have to take care of you first. If you don’t take care of you, you can’t take care of them. And that’s where a lot of parents stop. They only seek help for the children, they are there for themselves as well.

Dionne: Right.

Diva: Listen, if you don’t seek help for yourself and get educated for yourself,

To know what is going on with yourself and your child, you will never be able to advocate for your child.

Dionne: Right

Diva: The Best. Because you are your child’s best advocate. And you are your child’s best voice, because if you don’t get that education on what’s going on, and read what they put in front of you, instead of just signing…you’re going to miss that. Because with me, I learned that the hard way. So I do girl days with my gym buddy.

Dionne: Good.

Diva: As you see my nails there.

Dionne: Oh yeah, You have  – nobody can see this but I can see it – you have fabulous nails.

Diva: Thank you. And they are mine. I just go get the acrylic overlay and get the nails…

Dionne: They are gorgeous.

Diva: Thank you. I have my green nails for mental health.

Dionne: yes. Awareness.

Diva: yes – mental health awareness – and the rest of them are black and I have white one blue  – I am not going to tell you which finger is blue.

[laughter]

Dionne: We can’t say that –even on the podcast –

[laughter]

Dionne: But it stands out.

Diva: Yes!

Dionne: My son calls that his expression finger.

Diva: Yes – and it is mine, because my 24 year old be like, “Ma, Ma”, she be like, “yes, I did”. [laughter] But yes, I do my music, I do my girls day with my gym buddy, either that, we go get our nails done, we go out to eat, get a drink.

Dionne: That’s great. Self-care is so important. So, that’s self-care. How do you advocate for yourself?

Diva: Oh. Umm..

Dionne: Not for your kids, but for you.

Diva: For me, I am a very soft-spoken person. And a lot of people think because I have this little girl look, because I everyone thinks I am in my twenties or thirties

Dionne: You are very young-looking.

Diva: And everyone thinks I am a little girl because I look so young, I’m like, “Don’t let it fool ya.”

Dionne: That’s cause your youthful.

Diva: [laughter] Thank you. And I tell people, “Don’t let it fool you.” Cause I’m very knowledgeable about what I want and what I need. And if I’m telling you what I need, and you’re not helping me to get what I need, I am going to go around you or above you to get what I need.

Dionne: I see.

Diva: And if I have to go through you to get what I need, I will do that too. So, my needs – I will do that too.

Dionne: You will advocate for your needs. So, in all of this, and this journey that you’ve been on, this journey that you are still on, if you had to point out some of your most laughable moments. Moments where you just have to sit down and just laugh about life. What you say is your most laughable moment is? So far?

Diva: Ooh. [laughter] I was in one state where we lived in, the principle kept saying, “we have done all we can do for your son.” And he kept saying, “your son”. He didn’t know my son’s name.

Dionne: I see.

Diva: So, the table was about as long as this table. And I looked at the table, and I didn’t see the assistant principle. I said, “Do you know anything about my son?” And he looked at me, “picked up a pile of papers . I said, “He don’t know jack squat about my son.”

Dionne: Right.

Diva: And he looked at me and everybody looked, cause I’m a soft-spoken person, so my voice raised, and he was like …I said, “All you know is what you are reading on that paper,” I said, “Do you not know my son is a little comedian at times?” I said, “Do you not know my son’s name is dadadada – not ‘this child’?”

[laughter]

Diva: And I said, “You don’t even work with this child.” I said, “Could you please bring in your person that works with my child?” And he was like, “Can you please get her?”  Because I said, “if we keep sitting here we’re not going to have this meeting. “

Dionne: Right.

Diva: And he looked at me like I was crazy. And they were talking and I was sitting there. And he got up and went and got her and she came in and sat down and the meeting continued. And it was so funny because, when we were done, my advocate was like, “I can’t believe you did that.”

[laughter]

Diva: And I was like, she was like – wow – “Silence was golden with you.” [laughter] And she was like, “I can’t believe I heard you yell. She said, I have never heard you yell. She said, “yeah, you would be a great peer specialist.” I was like, “who said I wanted to be.”

Dionne: Is there any particular organization, since were at a major conference, that you would like to give a shout out to [can hear writing on paper ] Oh Ok. Can I say the organization? I won’t say the state.

[This portion was deleted because it was not possible to identify the organization without identifying the state.]

Dionne: Thank you very, very much Miss Diva!

Diva: You’re so welcome!

Dionne: And this was, and I always say this, but I totally mean it, it was eye opening, it was inspiring, and you are amazing.

Diva: Thank you.

Dionne: Thank you.

[music]

Female Voice: You have been listening to “Just Ask Mom”, copyrighted in 2018 by Mothers on the Frontline. Today’s podcast host was Dionne Bensonsmith The music is “Olde English”, written, performed, and recorded by FlameEmoji. For more podcasts in this and other series relating to children’s mental health, go to MothersOnTheFrontline.com or subscribe on  on Itunes, Adroid, Google Play, or Sticher.

 

 

 

Raising Children with Both Visible and Invisible Disabilities, Ask the Advocate Episode 3

In this episode, we listen to an advocate with MomBiz Boss and a mother of children who experience developmental and mental health challenges. She speaks about being a mother of color and the experiences of raising children with both visible and invisible disabilities.

Advocacy organizations discussed in the Podcast:

National Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health – A national family-run organization linking more than 120 chapters and state organizations focused on the issues of children and youth with emotional, behavioral, or mental health needs and their families. It was conceived in Arlington, Virginia in February, 1989 by a group of 18 people determined to make a difference in the way the system works. https://www.ffcmh.org/

Younger Years and Beyond – A local chapter of National Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health that focuses on mental health and behavioral health challenges for children starting at pre-school through beyond. https://www.facebook.com/theyoungeryearsandbeyond/

Zaria’s Song – We Provide Support & Resources to Parents and Caregivers with Children Experiencing Physical, Cognitive, Behavioral and Mental Health Challenge http://ateducational.wixsite.com/zariassong

 

Transcription

[music background]

Women’s Voice: Welcome to “Ask the Advocate” where mental health advocates share their journeys to advocacy and what it has meant for their lives. “Ask the Advocate” is a Mothers on the Frontline production. Today, we will hear from Shanta, a mother of three, a clinician, and an advocate. This interview was recorded at the 2017 National Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health Conference in Orlando, Florida. During this recording, you can hear noise in the background from another event in the hotel. Please don’t let these noises distract you from Shanta’s story.

Dionne: Hello. Thank you very much for agreeing to do this. Would you like to introduce yourself?

Teresa: Sure. Thank you very much for having me. I’m Teresa Wright Johnson, and I will say that I’m a mother first and then an advocate. I believe motherhood is very challenging as a business, so I’m kind of known as an advocate and a MOMBiz Boss, and we’ll talk about that later. But I’m a mom of children that were born with developmental challenges as well as physical challenges and children that have mental health challenges, learning disabilities, and more. And I advocate for them.

Dionne: And you advocate for them. So Teresa, tell us a little bit about your advocacy journey.

Teresa: So my journey began– I’m the mother of four children. I bore four children. Unfortunately– but still, fortunately, have one living child. So I had several children that died very early on when they were born. And then my other two children were also preemies. In coming– you know this is November. This is National Pre-maturity Birth Month– Awareness Month. A lot of people don’t know that. And with premature children, sometimes you have greater risk factors. And some of the risk factors that happened and that were indicated with my first child who was Zaria– and I have do so much for Zaria in her name. She was born with various disabilities, more physical and cognitive. She had cerebral palsy as well as metabolic disorders like mitochondrial syndrome. She also had seizures, low-birth weight, feeding issues, mobility issues, just so many different issues. But guess what? That did not sway me. I wanted to be a mother. And once I found out I was going to be a mother to Zaria, I started to getting training at the hospital–

Dionne: Oh, wow,

Teresa: — so that I could be the best advocate for her. So over the years with Zaria, I started my own support group for mothers of color called Special Treasures, because I feel that our children are not just special-needs children. They are special treasures. They are treasures that open us up, expand us, push us way beyond our comfort zones, and stuff. And so I did that with Zaria. Zaria, unfortunately, passed away.

Dionne: I’m sorry.

Teresa: She had a seizure at school and passed away some years ago. However, the journey of her from birth to seven years old has got me to help hundreds of thousands of women and families to different organizations: speaking, training, coaching, learning, and advocating. And I would have never done that without that journey of Zaria. So, Zaria had all those special needs. And she also opened me up to stuff that I never knew of. I knew about special needs a little bit because my Mom when I was little worked in group homes. And I didn’t even know that was a group home I was going to because back in the day, I ended up having a single-Mom that was divorced. You could go about with your Mom. But that compassion that was instilled to me as a child, it really helped me with my child with special needs. Then the special needs group and different organizations– I’ve worked with Mocha Moms, which is a national organization for women of color that put their children and their families first with children with special needs. That was my goal when I was doing things for there. But then, Zaria had a little sister named Jade that was born. And Jade was a few years younger. But when Jade was born, again, she was another premature birth. So, I have to be on bed rest, all these different things to have children. And when Jade was born, she was typical. She was just a low-weight, birth-weight baby. But then, as she started getting older, she wasn’t crawling. She took a long time to walk. I learned about a lot of different things with Zaria that helped me with Jade. And so Jade ended up being very physically functioning. But emotionally, she was the baby that never stopped crying that I took to the hospital, and she didn’t have colic. She was the baby when I would leave with people – her godmother or whatever – they would say, “Um, call me. She’s still crying.” “Ah, okay.” She was the baby banging her crib up against the wall. Not just crying to get out. She was banging it. So, this led me from the journey with Zaria ended up getting all these certifications for special needs– being a Special Needs Trainor for the Department of Development and Disabilities or Babies Can’t Wait, The Early Intervention for Georgia for Zaria. But then, transitioning to Jade was solely different, because she didn’t have developmental disabilities. I wasn’t working with IEPs anymore. That’s when I learned about the 504 Plans and all that stuff. So, me getting educated to help my children, starting off with Zaria, helped me to educate other people, but they helped me even more for Jade. And so now I have Jade, and she doesn’t mind. Jade says– you know what I can always say is that Jade experiences ADHD and some behavioral challenges but highly functioning. Has been placed in AP classes, a very smart girl. But if I wouldn’t never had the experience of Zaria and all these training and support that we get from other mothers and organizations we just don’t know, I would never know how to function or help Jade. And that’s why I’m here today at the National Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health Yearly Conference is because of Jade. She’s my ‘why’ for this. And so I’ve been able to advocate now for parents that have children with dual-diagnosis whether it’s developmentally or mental health. I definitely don’t want to be a therapist or anything of that nature. But I have so much training that I know that God, and whomever you want to call it, gave it to me to help my children and other people. And I just can’t imagine not sharing that. And I can’t imagine parents not understanding, once they learned how to advocate for their children, they are their child’s number one advocate, because nobody’s going to advocate for your baby – that part of you, like you.

Dionne: Yes. So as a Mom advocate, what would you say if you had to talk to– and you can fill in this blank with whoever you were addressing one group– and I know you’ve addressed a lot of groups. What would you want them to know about your experience as a mother of children with mental health challenges?

Teresa: Wow, so many things you want them to know. The one is that Mom– that guilt you might have, the, “So why is my child like this?” Or, “How are people going to look at my child,” and all those things. I want them to know that find the treasure in your child, because those hard days when– maybe you have a child that experiences some behaviors or disabilities and is a little bit slower, if you can have that treasure kind of in your head, those days when they don’t seem like a treasure [laughter], when they don’t seem like a treasure, you have something to refer back to because even though it may be hard the way that you have to deal with them, how they deal with you, as society looks at them, they’re your gift. And you have to find the gift that they are for you and the treasure in them.

Dionne: You talked about this because– and the days that they seem like that you are just questioning the universe. Can you tell us about one of those days? And then–

Teresa: Oh, I definitely can.

Dionne: — what and how you worked through?

Teresa: I definitely can. One, I worked through it because I have a great support system. I engaged with other mothers that may experience some of the same things, so that I have someone to vent to one that understands me. Learned that very early on with Zaria. When my friends with typical two-year-olds would talk to me about their two-year old but my two-year old Zaria was really still at three, four months, they couldn’t understand. So, go seek out those supports that are particularly going to be able to support you. So, even with Mocha Moms, it was not a special needs thing. But it was for a stay-at-home moms at that time, at one point for Black mothers. That is who I am. So, I’m going to go seek them out. So with the child that is especially– in a particular experience, one of my children is very– the emotional part is very hard. Sometimes, she has so many things going on that it is overwhelming for me. I was just sitting in a train and then I was sounding– though I’m trained to be– a Mental Health instructor, a Certified Panic Peer Specialist, a Suicide Prevention Gatekeeper, all that, when it’s my baby, it’s a total different thing. I remember those formats. I remember those structures. I remember those systems. But it’s not the same. So, you got to make sure you have support because there are days when I have to walk away sometimes crying from my child. I mean she hadn’t anything to me physically. But my heart is hurt because you see what they’re going through. And they might not even be able to see it. And you know the treasure you have. But right now, it looks more like the garbage truck. And I would say the amount of support you have is very important. And just being real. And remembering where is that sacred space, that treasure, where you have to think back about it, because sometimes you want to just throw in the towel, because we don’t show motherhood being difficult. We show motherhood with this pretty baby and the little kids outside playing. And when you have a child with a need, you have fewer days of that and more days of questioning, “Why me? Why my child?”

So I think to have that support system, to be able to vent with other women that understand or can listen to you, groups that understand you, and the same for your child is important. So my number one piece would be have a support system. Have somewhere you can go. And then of course remembering that treasure because even though it’s H-E Double Hockey Sticks or whatever you call it [laughter], we have to figure out a way to go back to the gift in it, because it’s so very hard especially with the mental health versus the developmental disability. Especially in certain cultures, being a mother of color myself when I had my daughter with cerebral palsy, it was easier for people to see, because she could walk sometimes. She can do stuff. But when they see my child over here having a meltdown, “You better get that baby get a beating. Get her shit. Got no manners,” or whatever. That invisible disability is so hard. So everything– I know all women can do it. But when you have a child with a need, sometimes you got to put on a tough skin, because people say things. So that support, that treasure, and that tough skin altogether.

Dionne: That brings up a good and important point because especially as mothers of color, so many of us, we are experiencing not just our own internal, what I call your internal voice. But then, you literally have the external voice telling you what you should be doing, what you should know. How do you advocate for yourself as a mother because you’re Fearless Mom advocate. I know you’re a fearless mom. How do you advocate for yourself?

Teresa: For taking care of myself?

Dionne: Yes, taking care– it could be taking care of yourself or standing up for you.

Teresa: Again, one, you have to make– write down your own rules. Who and what do you stand for? What’s important for you because I’m Teresa. I might not look like the other Teresa down the road that’s an African-American woman. What are my values? What’s important to me? And what’s important to me is that I live up to who I authentically am and who my family is. That’s one. And then, two, being able to really sit and think about what really is important, what’s not. You know the picture? Because we’re women. I don’t care what color you are. A lot of us fall into this picture thing. And guess what? How much do I really care about that picture or what it– I care more about reality and being happy. So that’s one. But as a fearless advocate, I really try to think about major– I don’t really care what anybody else thinks, because I know what’s going on inside of my house and inside of my mind and what I have to take care of. Like being here at the Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health Event. A lot of people– they don’t understand that. But I don’t care. It’s about my need. So have put on that tough skin again the way that I, the Fearless advocate, that takes care of me as I think of myself. I put on a tough skin. I do take care of myself, self-care. One of the presentations I speak about sometimes is life beyond advocacy, because at some point you can’t just advocate for your child and do everything for your child as you want to sit over here, and you’re going to have a breakdown or something, too. So that tough skin and not worrying about what others think. And taking care of you and your family. But remembering yourself, too, because so many mothers forget about themselves.

Dionne: What’s your self-care pleasure?

Teresa: My self-care pleasure is– oh, I have so many [laughter] because I love that stuff. But my self-care pleasure really is just quiet space because I’m talker. And I’m always with people. So if I can go on a trip and be away or if I can go– I just recently started doing yoga and meditation. And that has been great, wonderful a way to do it. You might not have funds or something to do things or time– a quick hot shower with some music. And I think really music is one of my main things and ways of self-care, because you can get whatever mode you want. Dancing. I think we think about self-care as if it has to be the spa all the time. And it doesn’t. Or it has to be all these extra things. Just little things to take care of our self because to be able follow these advocacy and these children that experience various needs, they experience those. That’s not who they are. And that’s why I say remember that treasure. Remember who it is. As a matter of fact, my daughter’s name is Jade for a reason, because she’s a treasure. Let me remember. She’s a treasure [laughter]. So–

Dionne: I like that.

Teresa: So you have to figure it out.

Dionne: So I have two last questions. And then I want you to tell us a little bit about your organization and the shout out for your organization, where we can reach you, and everything. What’s your most laughable moment? Because a lot of these, for me, one of my self-care pleasures is just being able to sit back. And sometimes just laugh at what’s going on. What’s your most laughable moment?

Teresa: When your child that experiences a mental health challenge or behavioral challenges calls you on stuff, that’s the most laughable moment. They have to tell you to slow down or tell you to do something. And you hear them repeat back how you talk to them or deal with them. That is the most laughable moment, because I do really want to tell them, “No.” But really guess what, they got this somebody from somebody. And it might not be that you have a mental health diagnosis. But some of the stuff that we complain about our children or concerned about they are mirroring our personalities. And so that for me is the most laughable moment. So for me, I’m always moving and shaking. And my daughter, she’s a mover and shaker. But she’s a little slower. You have to prompt her like I do this or that. But she has to tell me, “Mommy, you need to slow down.” Surprised yesterday at the conference she said, “I’m surprised you didn’t lose your cellphone yet [laughter].” So that was like, “Oh, okay.” I said, “Oh, okay. Well, you know when I’m not with you…” because this is our first conference she’s been to as an attendee where she’s engaging by herself. So I said, “Well, Mommy try this all the time. I have my phone all the time.” She said, “Well, I’m surprised [laughter].”

Dionne: She’s little part of you.

Teresa: Yes, she’s watch me, because she see me put things down and do different things. So that’s my most laughable moment.

Dionne She’s just seeing you. reflecting you back at [laughter].

Teresa: Which is really good because that not caring what people think has been a little bit better for her with dealing with some of her challenges. But she’s learned that from me.

Dionne: Oh, that’s good. That’s important. That’s important. So is there one particular organization, group that you want to do a shout out, you want to talk about right now?

Teresa: So, since I’m at the Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health Conference, I’m going to talk about my organization. It’s Younger Years and Beyond. We are a local chapter of the Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health. You will find us on Facebook right now. And just type in The Younger Years and Beyond or Younger Years and Beyond. And we are a local chapter that focuses on mental health and behavioral health challenges for children starting at pre-school through beyond. I started this chapter when Jade was four or five years old when I realized something was going on. And I wanted it to grow with her. And that’s why it’s called The Younger Years and Beyond. We offer support, free and sliding fee scale, because we’re a family-ran organization. We have a fiscal agent, so we do have a non-profit status that we’re under right now. And we provide services for IEPs, 504 Plans. But most of our training to parents as well. So I’m a former trainer for several organizations in Georgia as well as a university for parents with children with special needs as well as some of my Board Members, meaning my Board Members also are very, very strong mental health professionals and staff. So we just do very– what we can. But we mostly have a lot of events. We are a family-ran organization meaning we are family funded and take grants here and there. We’re trying to decide one, going after more. But pretty much we have three events each year. One is a Mental Health Awareness event for children. Then we have a business one like Connecting Organizations. And then this year, we’re going to have a Virtual Mental Health Awareness event for children and families. So we’re going to have a family track, and we’re going to have a children’s track. And I’ve actually been at this conference, and I have booked like two or three ladies–

Dionne: Oh, good.

Teresa: — to already speak. So we definitely are going to talk your agency about all that you do, because we know we are about the motherhood thing here. So that’s we do. You’ll find us on Facebook, The Younger Years and Beyond. And if you can’t find us there, you can always look to Zaria’s Song, and that’s Z-A-R-I-A-S-S-O-N-G like Zaria’s Song because Zaria’s Song and The Younger Years and Beyond are kind of connected because development disabilities and mental health, because the money is separated. People always separate it, but you need you have to do diagnosis.

Dionne: We call it the pathway.

Teresa: Right.

Dionne: There’s many pathways, and a lot of them go through mental health or lead to. We will be sure to provide links to both of those. Or in our sites we have a resource link, and we also– once we put up your podcast, we will provide links. So anybody who listens to this can link. One more? Go ahead. One more.

Teresa: The one other thing that I wanted to say is we also offer training for Mental Health First Aid. We are mental health– I’m a certified Mental Health National First Aid Instructor. And we are adding on. We do it for adults right now. But we are adding on the Children Mental Health First Aid. And we know where our community and our society and our world is right now. So very important that we get that information out there to communities, families, organizations, schools, etc.

Dionne: That is very true. Mental Health First Aid. We can use that training everywhere: teachers, coaches, other parents. Well, thank you very much. I mean this has been a pleasure. This has been– and I hope to continue to talk to you, and work with you in the future. So–

Teresa: I’m so excited.

Dionne: — thanks for joining us.

Teresa: Thank you for the opportunity. I’m so excited. I love your dream. You all can see what she’s dreamed out all for mental health awareness. Thank you so much.

Dionne: Thank you. Thank you.

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Narrator: You have been listening to Ask the Advocate. Copyrighted in 2018 by Mothers on the Frontline. Today’s podcast host was Dionne Bensonsmith. The music is Old English, written, performed, and recorded by Flame Emoji. For more podcasts in this and other series relating to children’s mental health, go to mothersonthefrontline.com or subscribe on iTunes, Android, Google Play, or Stitcher.

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